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[unshod]

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[unshod]

I believe he will agree with me. [Hawke wasn't an idiot really, he was just foolish and quick to speak without thinking, but it was something of a joke.]

They use the network from time to time, perhaps you will be able to keep an eye out for them and interact that way.

[He looks at his relic, coming to a stop in his steps.] Few could say no to the dwarf, he is incredibly persuasive. Even I can admit that much.

[toomuchinfo]

[she laughs] Maybe! But I'm still not saying anything! [because they've recently reached a detente and she doesn't want to risk it]

Okay. What should I say, 'hey, Fenris is from my homeworld and we're friends, please like me?' No. Too desperate.

[she stops, too] Yeah. And it really was a shitshow, at least most of which was my fault so I felt like I had to at least try to finish what I started.

[unshod]

[Fenris is pretty sure out of all the companions that any Hawke had, he was the worst at anything to do with... socializing, so he can't help but shake his head.]

I do believe you are asking the wrong person for advice. Socializing is not my strongest suit.

[He barely makes the friends he has, they were mostly only friends because they were the socializers that wanted to befriend him.]

[toomuchinfo]

[well. yes. but there's a saying she's heard, any port in a storm? seems to apply.

a sigh] And I've lost confidence in being able to. Stroud was always nice, but he's lost in the Fade. And the Inquisitor--Lila--has her own problems. And I can't rely on Seb for everything, it's not healthy and it's not fair.

Fuck. I used to be okay at this. Or maybe it was mostly Varric making the intros. Would a post to the network asking for friends be too pathetic to answer or just pathetic enough?

[she's willing to accept a large amount of pathetic if it means she has more people to talk to]

[unshod]

Perhaps it would be more advisable to make a post less about asking for friendship and more about something of interest and attracting those of similar interest to your own.

[toomuchinfo]

[she gives him a skeptical but fond look] So, um....'hi, I'm Sarajane Hawke. No, not that Hawke, the other one. I'm into mage rights and archers with great arses and my sense of humor is extremely rusty?'

[unshod]

I am sure someone will respond.

[He gives her an amused eyebrow and a nod, clearly thinking it was a plenty fine idea. Again, he wasn't exactly the best person for this kind of advice.]

(CW: joking reference to mental health)

[toomuchinfo]

Fenris. Feeeeeeeenris. This is why I love you. Because you always tell it to me straight, even when I think I'm going out of my mind. Which I'm pretty sure I am.

[so not. but she can see how he'd think it's fine from his point of view]

[unshod]

I do not think you are. You seem lonely, but not out of your mind as you say.

[toomuchinfo]

Yeah. Lonely's the kind of thing that's hard to get over. I kinda was even back home. Considering everything.

[unshod]

I cannot disagree. But here things are different. You can get to know people, have friends. Perhaps it is not the people back home, but it is something more than nothing.

[toomuchinfo]

[she's not sure here is so different than Kirkwall. both places put weights on her shoulders--the safety of Kirkwall and the question of her potential. if she were better at both, Anders never would have blown up the Chantry and she never would have had to execute him for what he'd done. she wouldn't be here anymore]

I...yeah, I could. But I've seen the trials. Been through them. What would stop what happened before from happening again? I failed.

[unshod]

You're not the one everyone is riding on this time. If you fail you only fail yourself, not the entirety of Kirkwall and your friends.

[toomuchinfo]

But if I make friends, I'll fail them too. I mean, let's face it. My track record isn't great.

[unshod]

Your friends are responsible for themselves, you do not need to take responsibility over everyone you meet, Sarajane.

[toomuchinfo]

See, that's one of the things I know in my head, but convincing the rest of me isn't so great. [a pause] I have nightmares about the Chantry. Sebastian screaming for Elthina. And I know Elthina treated him and Kirkwall like shit, but that doesn't make it easier. They both believed in her.

[unshod]

Then that is your next battle to fight. The Hawke I know wouldn't back down from one, even against herself.

[He doesn't know Sarajane, but Marian and Garrett are like that at least.]

[toomuchinfo]

Seems kinda appropriate that my hardest battle will be against myself. Maybe that's why I'm a Myth and not, you know, a Legend like Garrett. Those flame wings? Super cool. While I look like I'm in the first stages of Blight sickness, thank you Carver.

Okay, um. Raising my self-esteem! 'Cause that's what they call it here. First step...I did the best that I could. The best that anyone could, given that things like the Chantry boom happened to Garrett, too. Any other suggestions?

[unshod]

Happened in my world as well, I believe it is an inevitable.

Maybe keep working on that one til you believe it.

[toomuchinfo]

Brilliant. I guess that probably means the Conclave boom is inevitable, too. But. I did my best. The best that anyone could, given the circumstances.

I defeated the Arishok. I saved Isabela. Saved Carver, too, and he seemed to like being a Grey Warden. Those are things I did. Good things.

I was tricked by Anders, but I thought he was my friend. And I had no idea what he was planning. Neither did Garrett and Anders was his lover. And neither did your Hawke.

What is your Hawke like?

[unshod]

She's a lot like Garrett. They even look like they could be siblings. At times I even confuse them... it's been a strange experience.

But she was bold, bright... perhaps not the sharpest, but she was very diplomatic, she knew how to ease tensions when she wasn't being ridiculous or biting. Though, not even she could ease the tensions of the Arishok or those between the circle and templars.

[He misses her.]

[toomuchinfo]

So I'm like the odd Hawke out? 'Cause there's no way me and Garrett could pass for siblings. Maybe third cousins twice removed related by marriage, but definitely not siblings. And that would have to be confusing, yeah.

[Sarajane listens intently and tries to not compare herself unfavorably to Fenris' Hawke. and (mostly) succeeds]

Apparently two inevitabilities.

Do you hope she shows up?

[bright side, no templars. down side, trials]

[unshod]

No. I would not see her part of this gilded cage.

[toomuchinfo]

Makes sense. I wouldn't want Seb here. I know that supposedly we're still living our lives back home, but the situation in Starkhaven is shaky enough that I want actual Sebastian handling it. [a rueful smile] I'm sure you can imagine that his plan to marry an apostate mage is ruffling some feathers.

[unshod]

I can imagine the Chantry isn't pleased.