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[unshod]

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[toomuchinfo]

But if I make friends, I'll fail them too. I mean, let's face it. My track record isn't great.

[unshod]

Your friends are responsible for themselves, you do not need to take responsibility over everyone you meet, Sarajane.

[toomuchinfo]

See, that's one of the things I know in my head, but convincing the rest of me isn't so great. [a pause] I have nightmares about the Chantry. Sebastian screaming for Elthina. And I know Elthina treated him and Kirkwall like shit, but that doesn't make it easier. They both believed in her.

[unshod]

Then that is your next battle to fight. The Hawke I know wouldn't back down from one, even against herself.

[He doesn't know Sarajane, but Marian and Garrett are like that at least.]

[toomuchinfo]

Seems kinda appropriate that my hardest battle will be against myself. Maybe that's why I'm a Myth and not, you know, a Legend like Garrett. Those flame wings? Super cool. While I look like I'm in the first stages of Blight sickness, thank you Carver.

Okay, um. Raising my self-esteem! 'Cause that's what they call it here. First step...I did the best that I could. The best that anyone could, given that things like the Chantry boom happened to Garrett, too. Any other suggestions?

[unshod]

Happened in my world as well, I believe it is an inevitable.

Maybe keep working on that one til you believe it.

[toomuchinfo]

Brilliant. I guess that probably means the Conclave boom is inevitable, too. But. I did my best. The best that anyone could, given the circumstances.

I defeated the Arishok. I saved Isabela. Saved Carver, too, and he seemed to like being a Grey Warden. Those are things I did. Good things.

I was tricked by Anders, but I thought he was my friend. And I had no idea what he was planning. Neither did Garrett and Anders was his lover. And neither did your Hawke.

What is your Hawke like?

[unshod]

She's a lot like Garrett. They even look like they could be siblings. At times I even confuse them... it's been a strange experience.

But she was bold, bright... perhaps not the sharpest, but she was very diplomatic, she knew how to ease tensions when she wasn't being ridiculous or biting. Though, not even she could ease the tensions of the Arishok or those between the circle and templars.

[He misses her.]

[toomuchinfo]

So I'm like the odd Hawke out? 'Cause there's no way me and Garrett could pass for siblings. Maybe third cousins twice removed related by marriage, but definitely not siblings. And that would have to be confusing, yeah.

[Sarajane listens intently and tries to not compare herself unfavorably to Fenris' Hawke. and (mostly) succeeds]

Apparently two inevitabilities.

Do you hope she shows up?

[bright side, no templars. down side, trials]

[unshod]

No. I would not see her part of this gilded cage.

[toomuchinfo]

Makes sense. I wouldn't want Seb here. I know that supposedly we're still living our lives back home, but the situation in Starkhaven is shaky enough that I want actual Sebastian handling it. [a rueful smile] I'm sure you can imagine that his plan to marry an apostate mage is ruffling some feathers.

[unshod]

I can imagine the Chantry isn't pleased.

[toomuchinfo]

Not really, no. But Seb has sworn that he'd abdicate before he'd allow me to be put aside, but the Chantry doesn't want that either since it would lead to absolute chaos in Starkhaven. Everyone and their third cousin vying for the throne.

And the Chantry's feathers were already ruffled plenty by the ~~Herald of Andraste~~ being a mage from Ostwick. They'll just have to deal with Seb marrying me.

[unshod]

Then I hope they will reform their views enough to see reason. It isn't as if you are a bad person just because of the magic you were born to.

[toomuchinfo]

They're gonna have to. I mean, spoilers for the future, but the Herald? Recruited mages. Free mages, outside of the Circle. [and her smile softens] It always makes me smile when you say stuff like that. Well. My Fenris. And now you, too. The fact that I'm trusted even though I'm a mage? Well, it means the world to me.

[unshod]

[Fenris kind of frowns at that. To him, Hawke was a rarity as a mage, someone who could resist the natural corrupting nature of magic. So the Herald recruiting free mages? It makes him uncomfortable.

But when she speaks about him trusting her and what it means to her... well his expression softens.]

Hawke, in everyway I have known them, including you, has shown me that not all mages are like the magisters of Tevinter.

[toomuchinfo]

[she sees that. she sees that little frown and kind of kicks herself for mentioning, well. future spoilers. she really should know better.

and when it softens again and when he speaks, tears may or may not well up in her eyes.

they absolutely are. and she's grinning ear to ear]

And I wanna thank you for that. I don't think I've said this enough--anywhere--but that kind of faith in me? Well, it helps me forgive myself for the bad stuff that happened.

[unshod]

Then please know that I say it sincerely, I know my faith in you is not misplaced.

[toomuchinfo]

[and if anything, her grin grows wider] I really, really wanna hug you right now.

[unshod]

Perhaps when we meet next I will allow it. [There's an amused lilt to his voice.]

[toomuchinfo]

Something to look forward to! I love having things to look forward to! And you're getting a present for Wintersend, don't try to avoid it. [she sounds completely pleased]

[unshod]

As will you, though what yet I do not know.

[toomuchinfo]

Oooh, oooh, there's this little orange kitten at the Catfe I've been trying to lure out. She gets along with Fluffy and I'm pretty sure Fluffy would bite the hand off of anyone who tried messing with her!

[unshod]

Then expect an orange kitten soon.

[He chuckles.]

[toomuchinfo]

Yes! [she fist-pumps] But what about you, what's on your Wintersend list? Other than the heads of slavers which I'd happily provide, but I don't think there are any here.

[and she grins broadly]