I cannot disagree. But here things are different. You can get to know people, have friends. Perhaps it is not the people back home, but it is something more than nothing.
[she's not sure here is so different than Kirkwall. both places put weights on her shoulders--the safety of Kirkwall and the question of her potential. if she were better at both, Anders never would have blown up the Chantry and she never would have had to execute him for what he'd done. she wouldn't be here anymore]
I...yeah, I could. But I've seen the trials. Been through them. What would stop what happened before from happening again? I failed.
See, that's one of the things I know in my head, but convincing the rest of me isn't so great. [a pause] I have nightmares about the Chantry. Sebastian screaming for Elthina. And I know Elthina treated him and Kirkwall like shit, but that doesn't make it easier. They both believed in her.
Seems kinda appropriate that my hardest battle will be against myself. Maybe that's why I'm a Myth and not, you know, a Legend like Garrett. Those flame wings? Super cool. While I look like I'm in the first stages of Blight sickness, thank you Carver.
Okay, um. Raising my self-esteem! 'Cause that's what they call it here. First step...I did the best that I could. The best that anyone could, given that things like the Chantry boom happened to Garrett, too. Any other suggestions?
Brilliant. I guess that probably means the Conclave boom is inevitable, too. But. I did my best. The best that anyone could, given the circumstances.
I defeated the Arishok. I saved Isabela. Saved Carver, too, and he seemed to like being a Grey Warden. Those are things I did. Good things.
I was tricked by Anders, but I thought he was my friend. And I had no idea what he was planning. Neither did Garrett and Anders was his lover. And neither did your Hawke.
She's a lot like Garrett. They even look like they could be siblings. At times I even confuse them... it's been a strange experience.
But she was bold, bright... perhaps not the sharpest, but she was very diplomatic, she knew how to ease tensions when she wasn't being ridiculous or biting. Though, not even she could ease the tensions of the Arishok or those between the circle and templars.
So I'm like the odd Hawke out? 'Cause there's no way me and Garrett could pass for siblings. Maybe third cousins twice removed related by marriage, but definitely not siblings. And that would have to be confusing, yeah.
[Sarajane listens intently and tries to not compare herself unfavorably to Fenris' Hawke. and (mostly) succeeds]
Makes sense. I wouldn't want Seb here. I know that supposedly we're still living our lives back home, but the situation in Starkhaven is shaky enough that I want actual Sebastian handling it. [a rueful smile] I'm sure you can imagine that his plan to marry an apostate mage is ruffling some feathers.
Not really, no. But Seb has sworn that he'd abdicate before he'd allow me to be put aside, but the Chantry doesn't want that either since it would lead to absolute chaos in Starkhaven. Everyone and their third cousin vying for the throne.
And the Chantry's feathers were already ruffled plenty by the ~~Herald of Andraste~~ being a mage from Ostwick. They'll just have to deal with Seb marrying me.
They're gonna have to. I mean, spoilers for the future, but the Herald? Recruited mages. Free mages, outside of the Circle. [and her smile softens] It always makes me smile when you say stuff like that. Well. My Fenris. And now you, too. The fact that I'm trusted even though I'm a mage? Well, it means the world to me.
[Fenris kind of frowns at that. To him, Hawke was a rarity as a mage, someone who could resist the natural corrupting nature of magic. So the Herald recruiting free mages? It makes him uncomfortable.
But when she speaks about him trusting her and what it means to her... well his expression softens.]
Hawke, in everyway I have known them, including you, has shown me that not all mages are like the magisters of Tevinter.
[she sees that. she sees that little frown and kind of kicks herself for mentioning, well. future spoilers. she really should know better.
and when it softens again and when he speaks, tears may or may not well up in her eyes.
they absolutely are. and she's grinning ear to ear]
And I wanna thank you for that. I don't think I've said this enough--anywhere--but that kind of faith in me? Well, it helps me forgive myself for the bad stuff that happened.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
no subject
no subject
no subject
I...yeah, I could. But I've seen the trials. Been through them. What would stop what happened before from happening again? I failed.
no subject
no subject
no subject
no subject
no subject
[He doesn't know Sarajane, but Marian and Garrett are like that at least.]
no subject
Okay, um. Raising my self-esteem! 'Cause that's what they call it here. First step...I did the best that I could. The best that anyone could, given that things like the Chantry boom happened to Garrett, too. Any other suggestions?
no subject
Maybe keep working on that one til you believe it.
no subject
I defeated the Arishok. I saved Isabela. Saved Carver, too, and he seemed to like being a Grey Warden. Those are things I did. Good things.
I was tricked by Anders, but I thought he was my friend. And I had no idea what he was planning. Neither did Garrett and Anders was his lover. And neither did your Hawke.
What is your Hawke like?
no subject
But she was bold, bright... perhaps not the sharpest, but she was very diplomatic, she knew how to ease tensions when she wasn't being ridiculous or biting. Though, not even she could ease the tensions of the Arishok or those between the circle and templars.
[He misses her.]
no subject
[Sarajane listens intently and tries to not compare herself unfavorably to Fenris' Hawke. and (mostly) succeeds]
Apparently two inevitabilities.
Do you hope she shows up?
[bright side, no templars. down side, trials]
no subject
no subject
no subject
no subject
And the Chantry's feathers were already ruffled plenty by the ~~Herald of Andraste~~ being a mage from Ostwick. They'll just have to deal with Seb marrying me.
no subject
no subject
no subject
But when she speaks about him trusting her and what it means to her... well his expression softens.]
Hawke, in everyway I have known them, including you, has shown me that not all mages are like the magisters of Tevinter.
no subject
and when it softens again and when he speaks, tears may or may not well up in her eyes.
they absolutely are. and she's grinning ear to ear]
And I wanna thank you for that. I don't think I've said this enough--anywhere--but that kind of faith in me? Well, it helps me forgive myself for the bad stuff that happened.
no subject
no subject
no subject
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)