[Fenris doesn't hesitate to press back into the kiss before the man is pulling away and speaking to him. And what he says.. it makes that warm heart skip a beat. He's wanted to say something similar to Astarion but in many ways needed the elf to reach this place first before he took the same steps.
For fear? Perhaps. For waiting for Astarion to be ready? Yes, in part. It was complex and fragile, this thing between them, yet also strong and beautiful in a way that it shouldn't be. Like with how it could end at any moment they should avoid this, it should be so easy to break it, yet... yet.
Yet he wants to kiss those blushing ears as he raises a hand to gently brush one.]
I do not call you vhenan lightly, you have found a place in my heart that no other could occupy... As if my very soul calls to you, not even the rifts could keep us apart.
[He smiles gentle and warm, because he doesn't need the sex or the biting, he just wants Astarion, even without those and would gladly take that as his everyday.]
Which is to say I care for you deeply, that my sentiments for you are much the same... that I would wish for nothing less than to stay here and wake with you each day.
[ he blushes a little deeper although whether it's the admission or the way Fenris is touching him is hard to say.
But then a thought occurs to him and he grows a little more serious. ]
I should be clear, though, now, before all of us become so entangled we cannot undo it. My heart cannot belong to just one person. What I feel for you is...[ he hesitates, not out of shyness but because the weight of what he feels is so intense he doesn't know how to put it into words ] something I do not know how to describe. The words I've used in the past all pale in comparison. With you, I ...I feel seen in a way no one else can see me.
That's wholly unique and special and something only you can do. Even so...
[ he doesn't know why this is so hard, suddenly. Maybe he should've had this talk sooner. He feels like he's done something wrong, and that's a new feeling. Maybe because of how things had gone with Gale ]
I don't want you to think that my affection for you is any weaker because I have a fondness for others, or because I might share my bed with them. But if that is an unwelcome thought then...I think we ought to figure that out now, before we can hurt one another too deeply.
Forgive me if I have given you reason to think otherwise, but I've never expected your heart solely to belong to me. In fact, you deserve the freedom of your heart and body, I would never hold you back from that. [His hand comes to rest on the elf's check, cupping it tenderly.
What he feels for Astarion is intense, almost like love but without the leash, he doesn't feel collared or tied down by the love he feels for him and he knows that now. Like Astarion, he also feels seen in a way that he's never known until this man, he feels understood on a soul level that has never happened to him, not even with Hawke. And oh, how he loves Hawke - it's why he cannot give Astarion his whole heart in return either, because Hawke has such a profound hold on it, even if he cannot be loved back by the man.
A soulmate - something he dismissed as fool romantic sayings - is what he feels he's found in Astarion..]
You are profoundly important to me, ma vhenan, in a way no other is, so even if we both warm other beds and welcome the affections of others into our hearts, nothing can change that or take it away. Special feels.. too weak of a word to describe your meaning to me.
[He pauses for a long moment, staring deeply into red eyes, his own ears warm with the affection he feels from Astarion right now. The deep care and consideration the other is showing him by having this conversation with him.] I admit.. this is new to me, but I am open to continuing, finding the niche that fits us.
[ Astarion feels so relieved, almost giddy with it. It strikes him how badly he truly has it for Fenris. For this. But again, Fenris shows incredible understanding. And his heart is full.
Astarion smiles, leaning forward so he can kiss this tip of Fenris's ear. After he does, he speak quietly against it. ]
Ai armiel telere maenen hir.
[ You hold my heart forever.
He means it, these are not pretty words to seduce someone. Fenris will always have a piece of him, no matter how far apart they are. He knows one day he will lose him to the rifts. But maybe that's why they're so intense now. They have to explore so much of each other in this fleeting time they have. ]
[Fenris feels himself intake air sharply, as if the words struck his heart, because they have. They mean more to him than he can explain, because before Astarion he did not know such reciprocated affection before. This unique and beautiful thing they have between them feels bigger than hearts and love, it's understanding and compassion, it's being intrinsically intertwined.
Because just as Astarion holds his heart, Fenris now holds the elf's in return. A gift he will not squander or mistreat.
He knows those words are honest and real, he doesn't doubt them for a second. Astarion might speak some things carelessly, but rarely has he done it between the two of them.
If only he didn't have the knowledge that his mind would likely forget this when he returns to Thedas, that Astarion will only be remembered in his heart and soul, leaving a void that will never be filled again.. Perhaps that is why he's so intense, because he knows that this is not only fleeting in time, but in memory. That he doesn't get to hang on to this after like a bittersweet kiss when it's over, that all of it will be taken from him.
Hand still cupping the elf's cheek, he guides him down to his lips, where he takes him in an emotionally laden kiss, something deep and desperate and madly in love.]
[ Kisses like this would have been hard, once. But with Fenris they almost feel easy. He opens his mouth for Fenris and receives him--receives that desperation and that love. Those emotions are still difficult. Like he is too clumsy to hold them. But where they normally feel fragile, something that might break in his unaccustomed hands, with Fenris they feel like they are forged in steel. He could drop them and they would not break.
He slides his hands from Fenris's hips into a real hug, holding him close. There's a desperation here, too, but not in the way that he'd hugged him when he'd come back, demanding and childish; needy and scared. Now, though, it is desperation borne of desire. He knows what he wants, and it's here, in his hands, at least for as long as he can hold onto him. ]
[WIth Astarion, this love doesn't feel like a collar but the wings borne of freedom, he doesn't feel tied down and trading masters but as if they are free together, two birds exploring the skies in a dance. It was something breathtaking as he deepens their kiss, taking and giving in equal turn. To taste and touch. He isn't scared to love Astarion, he doesn't feel the need to run knowing it's returned.
And then he's being held with such desperate want and his own arms circle the elf, hugging him close, holding him with such need. Because he does, he needs Astarion, for the first time he needs someone and it should be terrifying. It should be, yet it was not. His grip is firm as he holds and kisses the man with all the need and love he can muster.]
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no subject
For fear? Perhaps. For waiting for Astarion to be ready? Yes, in part. It was complex and fragile, this thing between them, yet also strong and beautiful in a way that it shouldn't be. Like with how it could end at any moment they should avoid this, it should be so easy to break it, yet... yet.
Yet he wants to kiss those blushing ears as he raises a hand to gently brush one.]
I do not call you vhenan lightly, you have found a place in my heart that no other could occupy... As if my very soul calls to you, not even the rifts could keep us apart.
[He smiles gentle and warm, because he doesn't need the sex or the biting, he just wants Astarion, even without those and would gladly take that as his everyday.]
Which is to say I care for you deeply, that my sentiments for you are much the same... that I would wish for nothing less than to stay here and wake with you each day.
no subject
[ he blushes a little deeper although whether it's the admission or the way Fenris is touching him is hard to say.
But then a thought occurs to him and he grows a little more serious. ]
I should be clear, though, now, before all of us become so entangled we cannot undo it. My heart cannot belong to just one person. What I feel for you is...[ he hesitates, not out of shyness but because the weight of what he feels is so intense he doesn't know how to put it into words ] something I do not know how to describe. The words I've used in the past all pale in comparison. With you, I ...I feel seen in a way no one else can see me.
That's wholly unique and special and something only you can do. Even so...
[ he doesn't know why this is so hard, suddenly. Maybe he should've had this talk sooner. He feels like he's done something wrong, and that's a new feeling. Maybe because of how things had gone with Gale ]
I don't want you to think that my affection for you is any weaker because I have a fondness for others, or because I might share my bed with them. But if that is an unwelcome thought then...I think we ought to figure that out now, before we can hurt one another too deeply.
no subject
What he feels for Astarion is intense, almost like love but without the leash, he doesn't feel collared or tied down by the love he feels for him and he knows that now. Like Astarion, he also feels seen in a way that he's never known until this man, he feels understood on a soul level that has never happened to him, not even with Hawke. And oh, how he loves Hawke - it's why he cannot give Astarion his whole heart in return either, because Hawke has such a profound hold on it, even if he cannot be loved back by the man.
A soulmate - something he dismissed as fool romantic sayings - is what he feels he's found in Astarion..]
You are profoundly important to me, ma vhenan, in a way no other is, so even if we both warm other beds and welcome the affections of others into our hearts, nothing can change that or take it away. Special feels.. too weak of a word to describe your meaning to me.
[He pauses for a long moment, staring deeply into red eyes, his own ears warm with the affection he feels from Astarion right now. The deep care and consideration the other is showing him by having this conversation with him.] I admit.. this is new to me, but I am open to continuing, finding the niche that fits us.
no subject
Astarion smiles, leaning forward so he can kiss this tip of Fenris's ear. After he does, he speak quietly against it. ]
Ai armiel telere maenen hir.
[ You hold my heart forever.
He means it, these are not pretty words to seduce someone. Fenris will always have a piece of him, no matter how far apart they are. He knows one day he will lose him to the rifts. But maybe that's why they're so intense now. They have to explore so much of each other in this fleeting time they have. ]
no subject
Because just as Astarion holds his heart, Fenris now holds the elf's in return. A gift he will not squander or mistreat.
He knows those words are honest and real, he doesn't doubt them for a second. Astarion might speak some things carelessly, but rarely has he done it between the two of them.
If only he didn't have the knowledge that his mind would likely forget this when he returns to Thedas, that Astarion will only be remembered in his heart and soul, leaving a void that will never be filled again.. Perhaps that is why he's so intense, because he knows that this is not only fleeting in time, but in memory. That he doesn't get to hang on to this after like a bittersweet kiss when it's over, that all of it will be taken from him.
Hand still cupping the elf's cheek, he guides him down to his lips, where he takes him in an emotionally laden kiss, something deep and desperate and madly in love.]
no subject
He slides his hands from Fenris's hips into a real hug, holding him close. There's a desperation here, too, but not in the way that he'd hugged him when he'd come back, demanding and childish; needy and scared. Now, though, it is desperation borne of desire. He knows what he wants, and it's here, in his hands, at least for as long as he can hold onto him. ]
no subject
And then he's being held with such desperate want and his own arms circle the elf, hugging him close, holding him with such need. Because he does, he needs Astarion, for the first time he needs someone and it should be terrifying. It should be, yet it was not. His grip is firm as he holds and kisses the man with all the need and love he can muster.]